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Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Buzz, Hurricane & Humor

I know some of you are still without power, and some have suffered devastating losses to their homes and properties. If I can do anything to help, I’ll be glad to.

My daughter and her Fella are going through a Sandy made trauma of their own. When they moved in together recently, he agreed to put his 50+ cartons of collectible graphic novels into storage, with hopes they’d some day put their children through college. They were worth thousands of dollars. Just last week they put them into a storage unit. Hurricane Sandy was upset at his leaving them alone, and decided to drown them under almost 4′ of water. It’s not just a financial loss, they’re his collection passion. I know what I felt like when my house burned down, and my doll collection, (and everything else), was gone. This collection came from much time and effort, and I know he’s devastated. If anyone has graphic novels, particularly DC, that they are willing to part with, please contact me.

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Now, to lighten the mood, the wisdom of children, sent to me by my daughter.

cutest thing i have ever seen

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My friend, Evil Betsy, sent me these for Halloween.  Those who know me, know my other screen name is Une Vampyr, and these just warmed my heart.  Enjoy!

The Wittiest Halloween Jokes, Riddles, and Puns

We fear vampires, and vampires fear . . . tooth decay (!).
What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist? He got repossessed.

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday? Fangsgiving.

What is a vampire’s favorite sport? Casketball.
What kind of streets do zombies like the best? Dead ends.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom? His ghoul friend.
Why did the skeleton cross the road? To go to the body shop.
When does a skeleton laugh? When something tickles his funny bone.
What did the skeleton say to the bartender? I’ll have two beers and a mop. [This is one of my very favorites—such a considerate skeleton!]
Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch? At the casketeria.
Who does Dracula get letters from? His fang club.
What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? Count Duckula.What do you call two spiders that just got married? Newlywebbed.
What do Italians eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o.
What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire? It’s a pain in the neck.
How does a ghost say goodbye to a vampire? So long, sucker!
What do you call a witch’s garage? A broom closet.
What do you give to a pumpkin trying to quit smoking? A pumpkin patch. [A toast to Linus here, please.]
How do monsters tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
How are vampires like false teeth? They both come out at night.
What’s a vampire’s favorite fruit? A necktarine
What is a vampire’s favorite ice cream flavor? Veinilla.
What did the three vampires order at the bar? Two bloods and a blood light. [!!]
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite.
Who are some of the werewolves cousins? The whatwolves, the whowolves, and the whenwolves. [This is a no-brainer, right?!]
Why are most monsters covered in wrinkles? Have you ever tried to iron a monster?
Why do mummies have so much trouble keeping friends? They’re too wrapped up in themselves.
Why don’t mummies take vacations? They’re afraid they’ll relax and unwind.
[On the other hand] Where do mummies go for a swim? The dead sea.
Why do mummies make excellent spies? They’re good at keeping things under wraps.
Why did the ghost go into the bar? For the Boos.
Why do ghosts like to ride elevators? It raises their spirits.
What’s the favorite game at ghosts’ birthday parties? Hide and Shriek.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? He didn’t have a haunting license. [I assume the game warden must have been a ghost himself!]
What kind of monster is safe to put in a washing machine? A wash and wear wolf.
What do you get when you cross a black cat with a lemon. A sour-puss.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi.
What do skeletons say before they begin dining? Bone appetit!
What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog? He is mist.
Why don’t angry witches ride their brooms? They’re afraid of flying off the handle.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest? No body.

Where do baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare centers.

And lastly,
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? [really, think about this one verycarefully] . . . Hope that it’s Halloween (!!!).
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I kinow most people say “Feh” to screen savers, but I usually download seasonal ones and delete when I add a new seasonal one.  This Halloween one is 3-D and pretty neat.

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Buzz, Humor & Bargains

Life is sooo unexciting, I don’t have much to tell you.  The kids are coming out late Friday to help me load heavy stuff for the landfill early “Saturday morning.  Hubby and I are going to the development’s “Octoberfest” party Saturday night, and the kids will go out with friends.  Gotta get the strength up to hot iron my tons of hair, which has pretty much grown back.  UbaThick and waist length.  Must thank Nicki for telling me about Biotin almost 3 years ago.  If she hadn’t, I’d prbably be bald by now, but, it would be so much easier to hot iron.  (some people can never be satisfied)

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Just got this from Robin.

An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!” Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.

To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98. His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won’t ask for directions.”

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This is from GreaterGood.com.  There’s $4.95 s&h flat rate shipping. This sure seems like a bargain.  They do ask, but you don’t have to make a donation.  https://thehungersite.greatergood.com/store/ths/item/42958/promo-from-india-with-love-necklace

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I’m seeing sun peek out. It’s been dreary here for days. I think I stop functioning when it’s gloomy out. This morning I got up at 7, much later than my usual 5 am, but then I was up for hours in the middle of the night. Got Hubby his lunch packed, and him out the door. Now I have peppers roasting. A nice variety of colors, red, yellow and orange. I think I’m pretty much over green. Once I peel the peppers and seed them, I’ll be using them on sandwiches, salads, and anything that stands still long enough. They’re my crave of the month. I put a poblano in for good measure. May add it to my cabbage casserole I’m making up later. I’ll let you know how that goes. 
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I missed out on these in the Onyx and White Shell, and the Turquoise Mosaic and White Shell reversibles, but I did get this Soladite and White Shell version.  Even with $5  S&H I think they’re a steal at the $10 clearance price, and the color goes with my everyday denim.   From HSN.
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GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS…
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes ( Thamnophissirtalis ) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him
on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here…
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire
ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that’s when he shot her.

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Review:  I broke down and decided to try Dermastore’s SmartLash.  It’s not supposed to have the side effects of Latisse, so I felt pretty safe trying it.  I used it once a day (not recommended twice) for about 3 weeks.  I woke up last Sunday morning and when I went to put on my mascara, I saw dark rings around the iris’ of both eyes.  It looked like someone took a magic marker and drew a circle around them.  Very scary, monsteresque looking.  I could have done an episode of Supernatural, if I could act.  I called Dermastore Monday, and the customer service rep insisted that the product was all natural and couldn’t do any harm.  I mentioned that hemlock is all natural.  She may or may not have gotten the message.  She kept saying it couldn’t discolor my eyelids.  My eyelids aren’t discolored, so that may be true.  She apparently doesn’t know what the iris is.  I asked to speak to someone in charge.  Got a call back Thursday.  The person said she never heard any complaints like this before, but would surely keep on top of it, and asked me to contact her after I see my opthamologist, credited my card for the original purchase, and cancelled auto delivery.  She couldn’t understand why the person I originally spoke to didn’t do that.  Apparently she never met her.  Okay, I know this has worked for some, but, I do not recommend this product.  Just for the record, since I stopped using SmartLash, the thick dark rings have become thinner.  I’m really hoping they go away.

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This recipe is from Giada, and I call it a cheat recipe because it includes jarred marinara sauce (I used Newman’s because it was on sale, and is really good)  My chopped carrots never got soft enough, and in the future I will use only ones I’ve teeny tiny diced, or perhaps a cup of frozen mixed vegetables.  The pasta I used was small whole grain elbows.  It is really delicious, and for me it’s a meal.

Quick and Spicy Tomato Soup
3 tablespoons olive oil
2 carrots, peeled and chopped
1 small onion, chopped (diced tiny)
1 clove garlic, minced
1 (26-ounce) jar marinara sauce
2 (14-ounce) cans chicken broth
1 (15-ounce) can cannellini beans, drained and rinsed
1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1/2 cup pastina pasta (or any small pasta)
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Warm the olive oil in a large soup pot over medium-high heat. Add the carrots, onion, and garlic and saute until soft, about 2 minutes.
Add the jar of marinara sauce, chicken broth, cannellini beans, red pepper flakes, pasta, salt and pepper. Simmer for at least 10 minutes.
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My friend Patty sent this.  All my health conscious friends need to relax and read it.

NEW PRIMARY CARE PHYSICIAN
 Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good! Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q
: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape! Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
And remember: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”
AND…..
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Buzz, Humor & Bargain

While everyone else’ tomatoes are growing like crazy, my flowerless, due to sunless, plants aren’t doing much at all.  The best one had it’s top eaten up before I woke up this morning.  I am not happy about the gardening here, and I love to garden.  I will not spend the remainder of my life here, I hope.

Hubby is all signed up for Social Security.  Apparently I don’t get those 40% payments I thought I did.  Wasn’t counting on it, so no worse off.  In less than two years I’ll collect my own.  Keep wondering if I should sign up before they cut off all new recipients.

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Got this from DealGenius.com    

http://r20.rs6.net/tn.jsp?e=001llppkrHb2Keg7xtMG_fP1bKWntZ3RAhLDdokmqPuHfM0CirTFahjNxCMH4BsNz-makpVgPoDPv4t21dmSb38rJzxGkleqPZk9pQP0MvpEZdvuhccxFFH2MAL-R3CxELyaCPuwvFm4wwg4teHrpvdcAVtMqyYmm0vv90rg8o8J8I=

I’ll Get You My Pretty…

And Your Little Clogs Too!

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Got this bargain from Nikkisfreebiejeebies.com.

Eleana Collection 500 Thread Count Sheet Set – Only $29.99!  (Reg.  $200.00)

Today Only!   Get this Eleana Collection 500 Thread Count Sheet Set for Only $29.99!  (Reg.  $200.00)  Available in Queen or King and in 6 Color Options!

Click Here for Details

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Sorry to get political on you, but this is my favorite pic of the day.  Thanks Nicki.

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Remember the wall oven I was supposed to have installed last Saturday.  It got here, and went right back.  The frontage was way too harrow and left a 1 1/2″ gap on it’s left side.  Just didn’t work and looked ridiculous.  Not only am I devastated, I have to pay a restocking fee.  By restocking they mean put back on floor with the other clearance items.  Grrrr

Today we go to Social Security and sign Hubby up.  66 next month.  We want to check our options.  I don’t get the choices.  I can apparently collect 40% on his, but in two years will I be able to collect the whole amount on mine, which is higher?  Need a person.  Wish us luck.  At least Hubby won’t feel obliged to work overtime 5 mights a week anymore.  Back to work full time on 8/23.    How the hell dd we get to be this old anyway?????

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I just got this from Techlicious.com.  Amazon addict that I am, I really appreciate it.

http://www.youtube.com/embed/HA_gwzx39LQ?feature=player_embedded

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This is from James (JustFreeAtuff.com).  You don’t have to be a smoker to need coasters.

Free Set Of Freezable Coasters From L&M Log in or register and click on the promotions tab. This offer is available to smokers 21 and over and is valid until 9/19/2012.

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