Broke a rib (I think) and in a lot of pain. No bargain research toay. I got these from my friend Kate, and hope you enjoy them too.
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS
A man comes into the ER and yells . . .’My wife’s going to have
her baby in the cab.’ I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted
the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I
noticed that there were several cabs – – – and I was in the wrong
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big
breaths,’. . . I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’. . .replied
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more
than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family
that he had died of a ‘massive internal fart.’
During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having
trouble with one of his medications.. ‘ Which one ?’. .. . I asked. ‘The
patch… The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I’m running out of places to put it !’ I had him quickly undress
and discovered what I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty
patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion
she answered . . . ‘ Why, not for about twenty years – when my husband
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while
checking up on a man I asked . . .’ So how’s your breakfast this
morning?’ ‘ It’s very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t get used to the taste.’. .. . Bob replied. I then asked to see
the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman
with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of
tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly
determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed
on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been
dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .’ Keep
off the grass.’
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on
the patient’s dressing, which said ‘Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.’
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB. I was quite
embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams… To cover my
embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly
burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my
work and sheepishly said. . . ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She
replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard .
No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . . ‘ I wish I was
an Oscar Meyer Wiener .’ ‘
Baby’s First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor
arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
Breast-fed,’ she replied..
Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this
baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma,
But I’m glad I came.